Your son or daughter is about to enter a time that is both exciting and frightening; a period of joy, pain, discovery, and disappointment. These students are beginning a period of their lives that will leave them very different from the way they were previously. Like it or not, you are entering this period with him or her. You will experience the same happiness and defeats that your student does secondhand, but just as vividly. Of course, no one can ensure that you will completely survive your child's first year at college, but here are some guidelines that might help you make it with a minimum loss of sanity and a maximum strengthening of your new relationship. They are based on the experiences of other parents through the years. At most, these tips will prepare you to deal with some predictable first year conflicts. At the least, they will make you think about your relationship with your son or daughter and that can't hurt.
TIP NO. I
Don't Ask Them if They Are Homesick
The first few days/weeks of school are activity packed and
friend jammed, and the challenge of meeting new people and
adjusting to new situations takes a majority of a freshman's
time and concentration. So, unless reminded of it (by a
well-meaning parent), your student will probably be able to
escape the loneliness and frustration of homesickness. Most
students feel the impact of separation from family and friends
even though they may be reluctant to acknowledge these
feelings.
TIP NO. 2
Write (Even if They Don't Write Back)
Although freshmen are typically eager to experience all the
away from home independence they can fit in those first weeks,
most are still anxious for family ties and the security those
ties bring. There is nothing more depressing than a week with
an empty mailbox. Warning - don't expect a reply to every
letter you write. The you-write-one, they-write-one sequence
isn't always followed by college students, so get set for some
unanswered letters. You also may want to send some care
packages-little things mean a lot. Send homemade cookies or the
local newspaper to help make home feel closer.
TIP NO. 3
Ask Questions (But Not Too Many)
College freshmen are "cool" (or so they think) and have a
tendency to resent interference with their newfound lifestyle,
but most still desire the security of knowing that someone is
interested in them. Parental curiosity can be obnoxious and
alienating or relief-giving and supportive, depending on the
attitudes of the persons involved. Honest inquiries and other
"between friends" communication and discussion will do much to
further the parent-freshman relationship. Moreover, be a good
listener. Help find solutions, but don't solve the problems.
Remind him or her of available resources.
TIP NO. 4
Expect Change (But Not Too Much)
Your son or daughter will change, either drastically within the
first few months, slowly over the years, or somewhere in
between. Change is natural and inevitable; and it can be
inspiring and beautiful. Often, though, it's a pain in the
neck. College, and the experiences associated with it, can
effect changes in social, vocational, and personal behavior and
choices. You cannot stop change. You may never understand it,
but it is within your power (and to your and your son's or
daughter's advantage) to accept it. Don't expect too much too
soon. Maturation is not an instantaneous or overnight process,
and you might well discover your freshman returning home with
some of the same habits and hang-ups, however unsophisticated,
that you thought he/she had "grown out of." Be patient.
TIP NO. 5
Don't Worry (Too Much) About Depressing Phone Calls or
Letters
Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the college
years. It requires a lot of "give" and only a little "take."
Often when troubles become too much for a freshman to handle (a
flunked test, ended relationship, and a shrunken T-shirt all in
one day), the only place to turn, write, or dial is home. In
these "crisis" times, your son or daughter can unload troubles
or tears and, after the catharsis, return to routine relieved
and lightened-while you inherit the burden of worry. Be patient
with these nothing-is-going-right-l-hate-this-place phone calls
or letters. You're providing a real service as an advice
dispenser, sympathetic ear, or punching bag.
TIP NO. 6
Visit (But Not Too Often)
Visits by parents are another of the first year events that
freshmen are reluctant to admit liking but appreciate greatly.
These visits give the student a chance to introduce some of the
important people in both of his/her new and important worlds
(home and school) to each other. Additionally, it's a way for
parents to become familiar with (and, it is hoped, more
understanding of) their student's new activities, commitments,
and friends. Spur-of-the-moment "surprises" usually are not
appreciated.
TIP NO. 7
Don't Tell Them That "These Are the Best Years of Their
Lives"
Freshman year (and the other three as well) can be full of
indecision, insecurities, disappointments, and most of all,
mistakes. They're also full of discovery, inspiration, good
times, and people. However, it is often only in retrospect that
the good stands out. Any parent who believes that all college
students get good grades, know what they want to major in,
always have activity-packed weekends, have thousands of close
friends, and lead carefree, worry-free lives is wrong. So are
the parents who think college-educated means mistake-proof.
Parents who perpetrate and insist upon the "best years"
stereotypes are working against their child's already difficult
self development. Those who accept and understand the highs and
lows of their child's reality are providing the support and
encouragement where they are needed most.
TIP NO. 8
Trust Them
Finding oneself is a difficult enough process without feeling
that the people whose opinions you respect the most are second
guessing your own second guessing.
TIP NO. 9
Be Supportive
Your child's first year at college is a change for all of you.
Keep an open mind. Show interest. Stay in touch.
Common Adjustments
As you already know, college life will present many
new challenges to your son or daughter. He or she will make
some big adjustments in growing to meet these challenges.
Although each student's concerns vary, the most common
adjustments and concerns faced by students during their college
years include those on the following list.
Freshman/Sophomore Years
Making It Academically
Peer Group Acceptance
Concern About Roommate
Learning About the Campus
Parental Pressure
Homesickness
Culture Shock
Money Management
The Dating Game
Status/Popularity
Alcohol/Drugs
Sharing a RoomSophomore/Junior Years
Sophomore Slump
Commitment in Relationships
Getting Involved
Monogamy
Clear Focus/Direction
Choosing a Major/Vocation
Transferring
SexJunior/Senior Years
Closure on College
Marriage
Leaving/Not Leaving
Separation from Friends
Getting a job/Career
Panic
Developing a Lifestyle
Fear of Failure
Clarification of Values
Increase in Tolerance
Selective Involvement
Goals
(Revised from the Orientation Director's manual, published by the National Orientation Director's Assocation.)